life. is. good. <3

i'm happy again. yay. i'm no longer "down with the sickness"

::update to my life::

ugh. i can't seem to shake this stupid illness, whatever it is. i've been stuck at home for the last 5 days with a 101 degree fever, on a constant cycle of tylenol, where my temperature fluctuates up and down depending on how much medication i've taken. i'm nausous [sp?], i'm achy, i feel weak and tired all the time, and i have no interest in eating...and THAT is weird. i've missed 3 days of work so far...and i've missed the departure of several of my friends who are having their "last nights in town" before college/studying abroad. i'm bored out of my mind, and although i love "i love the 70's"...there's only so many hours you can watch before all the colors and phrases keep repeating in your head and infiltrate your feverish dreams.

i tried to go to work this morning, thinking that maybe i was ok to do so. but i had trouble differentiating between the dream i had last night telling me i didn't have to go in, and the reality of me actually having to work. i sat in bed at 4:45 wrestling in that little place between consciousness and dream about what i should do, before finally realizing that indeed, i was too sick to go into work...a quick measure of the temperature [100 degrees] was the deciding factor, but i had to open anyway. i was at work for a mere 2 hours before having to call someone else to work. thank you to carlos, who dragged his ass out of bed at 8am to cover my sick ass. i love him.

i saw travis this morning getting coffee before his class...i was huddled in a corner, my hair in dissaray, my face a paler shade than normal [which is fairly difficult to acheive], and i was fanning my achy body with a service napkin. he came in and said "you look tired"....translation..."damn, you look like shit"...hah. it was good though, because i was so sick i didn't even care. i haven't even wanted to see anyone. ever. i have lost interest in all the activities i normally find enjoyable. and that's weird. i used to think i was apathetic. until now. NOW i know what apathy feels like. when you don't even care that your friends are going out and you can't go. when you don't get excited when ::he:: gets online...or hope that he might IM you. when you could care less about what other people think of you, so you don't even do anything. when you sleep all day. when you sit and do nothing. and even don't want to eat.

i'm in a weird place right now. and i hope it ends soon. because i was really looking forward to this weekend. end of work party. my one last chance. can i dig it? or will i have to sit this one out?

we'll leave it up to the stars.

::this makes no sense.....or does it?::

What Are You Most Likely to Utter During Sex by UMAJohnnie
Name
Sexuality
Age
Most Likely to Say	"It's like lightning struck. My hair stood on end and I wet myself afterwards."
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

::hold on little girl::

all i have to say, is early 90's power ballads...damn, i can't get enough of them. from extreme, mr. big, eagles...god, i have been on such an early 90's kick lately. woohoo. it must be the fever i've had for the past couple days. i actually -want- to go to work because i've been so bored.

my cat's weight has -seriously- become a problem. hahah. he is now....ohhh, 20 pounds. it's the FATTEST thing i've ever seen in my entire life. and i've been sleeping with my head against the window because it's cooler against my head....and my cat's been jumping right on my neck in the middle of the night and FREAKING MY SHIT OUT. damn. talk about smothering me in affection.

-just to be the next to be with you-

can't think of much else to write. i feel like i've been too MUCH in control lately. i feel like a hermit. i'm excited to go back to school.

i guess that's the end.

i've made this discovery while sitting at home, sick on a sunday...

...sunday morning TV sucks ass...

i don't know what i should write.

-inventiveness is what i lack-

i'm so dead lately.

i took a 3 hour nap.

i feel...better.

and i love my family.

i'm not sure how to start this.
how about an apology
-i'm sorry-
for everything.
i didn't know what i was getting into.
((i was in a different place and it was dark))
but i'm ok now.
-i'll heal in time-
but.
shame on you.
for making me believe what we shared was true
and shame on me
for showing you my naivite.
i knew your motives.
[i thought i could change you]
ha.
like you'd ever give me an unselfish minute.
i spend my life in repititions of insecure moments of passion.
((only to feel emtpy))
used
i miss what i thought could be.
it's a lot more pleasant than the reality.
-i'm caught in between-
i don't know where to go from here.
i have no one nothing.
but memories.
can you help me find my future?
((before i repeat the past))

i've been thinking a lot lately. [yes, it hurts..] hah. but really. i don't even really know how to put how i've been feeling in words. i'm...indescribable. there's been a chaotic mix of emotions...one minute i'm just like...the happiest, most PUNCHY person ever...and the next i'm in tears. a lot of things have been happening all at once...it's hard to put them all into persepctive. i've been stressed ((what's new))

but mainly i've been feeling...void. i miss AD a lot. and greg. and that whole f*cking apartment. i miss the times of last summer. i miss...a lot of things. and ever since...i've had a lot of meaningless relationships. some that i tried to convince myself were real. ((but they weren't)). some that i'm still holding onto, because i just need -something- to keep me occupied. everyday at work my mind wanders...and i start thinking about the relationships i've had...because i often think people expect more from me. and i can't give that to anyone. not right now. and the latest...it is even :him: that i want? [no]. it's not. but i don't know what i'm looking for. or who i'm looking for.

i just need...meaning. something -real- for a change. and i'm so bad at finding it. everything i know to be real, is a shallow projection of what is not. and i feel alone.

F A M E by spazyspag
Name:
Youre famous for:	Killing the president
You get famous:	February 25, 2042
You make $$ per/year:	$302,934,594,963,148
Do people like you?	Everyone wants to bone you.
Dead/Alive:	Alive, but not for long
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

i've been so tired.

no more late nights till 2 am when you have to work the next morning at 6...

no sleep=meagen punchy...and that's just weird. i think i remember something about me saying "second star to the left, and STRAIGHT ON TILL MORNING." that's how you get to never never land.

people at work think i'm crazy.

...i am...

MUAHAHHAHAHAA.

::breathe:

you kiss me once
and make me blush.
kiss me twice i'm smitten.
kiss me thrice to string me along.
your indifference smothered in my affection.
the only way i can survive
is costuming my desires
feigning apathy to win your attention.
the games we play
((you're it))
i'm tired of chasing.
can't you be there for me now?
-i need this-
my hand wavers.

again i wait for the call you'll never make.
((the silence is deafening))
i drum my fingers on the phone book.
your number taunts me.
i plead with the phone
ring.
RING DAMNIT.
wrestling with my pithy desires.
but what will it mean.
-if you do call-
just another reason to wait for you.
.again.
-i will never be satisfied-
i don't want you.
i don't.
i want you.
back.
you were the one thing i had will never have.
and it hurts.
((and i hurt))
"and i'm never quite the same"
i'll just wait.
but i was never very good at that.

i feel like everything is in a perpetual hiatus right now...loose ends can't make a girl feel complete. i feel as though i'm losing friends...and have lost a vital part of my life. i feel like everything is rushing towards me all at once, with no signs of warning. i feel void. i feel as though no matter how much i am myself...it's not good enough for anyone. i feel. i just...feel alone. and sad. and i know this won't last forever. [i think it's just because it's....that time...] but still. it's an awful place to be in.

i've got to separate laundry, and then traverse into the depths of apathetic non-solutions....as we talk about the people we've met in the last 5 years...and will we remember then in ten more.

girls night out. i dunno if that much estrogen is gonna make me happy.

BEN FOLDS IS GOD.

he rocked this bitch live.

i freaking love him.

and i want to sex him and have 029486 of his babies.