((..darlin' you're so naive...))

i just realized i have a bitchin' cyber life. nice. i'll let that sink in for a while. in the meantime....

-no follows a series of unconnected thoughts-

i also just realized i have not much to say. i hate the whole play-by-play of the day. people get bored reading those. too factual, stay away. but people also lose interest when they have no idea what you are talking about. too abstractual, stay away. i just made up my own word. i rule the motherfucking schizzool.

tomorrow i will change the world

eh. had a wonderful night tonight with kat. hung out and chatted like the pimp shits we are. we quoted finding nemo too...bombest movie of the MILLENIUM! aloha! ok, i'm really dumb tonight. it's 2am. WTF am i doing up. i need sleep.

SQUIRRELS! WTF!1!

end.

i don't really know what an appropriate title would be for this entry. it was really weird tonight.

my dad, my mom and i all watched almost famous tonight. it's our favorite movie. i think we watch it once a month. and i know all the words, what happens, everything about that movie. but every time, it takes my breath away.

maybe because i live it. i am that movie. i am the "rebellious and ungrateful daughter"...the "nerd-writer kid"...the "band-aid that loves a silly piece of music 'so much that it hurts'"...i dunno. i see myself in that movie. ::i'm never as good as when you're there, and i can see myself the way you look at me::

and i can see...everything. in my life. ((don't make friends with the rockstars)) it's all an ::industry of cool:: i dunno. friendship is the booze they feed you. and i am drunk on them. yellowcard is going to have a shot at making it this summer. it's weird, because i remember -last summer-...when they fucking first SIGNED to capitol. ONE YEAR ago. and finally they are making their debut. and it's going to be weird. new kids, gonna be saying "wow, did you hear of this new band". new band. god. that's crazy.

i guess i've never followed a band, or music...so closely before. i've never been so connected to people i didn't even know, over a message board. i mean, i've always been connected with the industry, my dad being in the record label business and in bands and such. but i've never done this on my own. it's weird. it's like...one of your children...growing up. ::i'm getting empty nest syndrome already:: and i know my life is changing too. we're all changing. and things will be different. i've watched the band through new records, members that come and go, making up new lyrics, the struggles of deciding whether or not to sign to the major label, the fans, the siblings, the girlfriends, etc. i could go on for hours. it's like a weird...dysfunctional family. in a way. and the people i've met along the way, have been fucking great. honestly. yellowcard brought me to kat. and turk. and april. and erika. and megan. and AD. and greg. and kayla. and kristin. and pete. and fucking EVERYONE. it's so fucking WEIRD. man. where would i be without them? ::hah, probably still innocent. <3::

but honestly. i'm happy for them. to acheive what they came out here for.

whatever, i'm lame. go ahead an rip me apart for writing this entry. but seriously. it's fucking weird.

::you are home::

i am visiting my sister at work.

i've been here for 2 and a half hours.

she gets paid to sit here and do nothing.

i just get to sit here and do nothing.

life isn't fair.

and i need a job.

I AM SO DONE WITH THIS YEAR!

OMG LYKE WTF LOL OMG111

yeah. i'm super excited. wooooohooo! <3

time to go home. thank the LORD.

god i'm such a little emo kid.

((you remind me of home))

megan rose wrote something in her journal the other day, that reminded me of what *i* was doing exactly one year ago. --it wasn't me who you had the conversation with, but i wish it had been--

i ran out of lotion, so i found this small bottle of "jasmin' bloom" lotion that was buried in my drawer. and as soon as i opened it, i was brought back to a year ago. those times at AD's. one year ago. the bottle of jager for my birthday. (which i found out he borrowed 20 bucks from april to buy for me. something about wanting to impress a girl <3) those times we'd lay on his bed, and just talk about life. listening to CD's ::it's only in your mind, your mind, your mind, your MIND:: just. those times. i miss those times.

the smell of this lotion is INTOXICATING with memories. so many things untold, unfolded with each stroke, rubbing in my past. wow. i haven't thought about those times in forever.

one year ago. i finished my freshman year with a 3.434. (like THAT will ever happen again) i hadn't met greg yet. i hadn't become good friends with kat. i hadn't become good friends with turk. i just registered on the YC message board. i hadn't lived through this hellish year. there was no pete. just ::him:: but with all the good times, came the worst. ((i WOULD date you)) right. hiding from my parents. hiding from my morals. hiding from myself.

this year, this summer will be different. kat and i will be spending a lot more time together, and a lot less time with ::them:: new friends, more family, new job. new life. good friends moving away. some moving across the country. and i'll miss them. more than they will know. but it's time to say goodbye. after i come home, i will throw away this lotion. i don't want to remember those times anymore. i want to move forward. i want to *live* my life. for what i am. for who i know i am. i don't want to pretend anymore. i want to be me.

for real.

wtf?


YOU EAT PEOPLE!!!


what's YOUR deepest secret?
brought to you by Quizilla

((...that's all folks...))

dear everyone in my life:

thank you so much for being the raddest people i know. i got calls/IM's/posts on my livejournal/and even a thread on the yc message board all for me. on my birthday. so you guys rock the house, and i love each and every one of you.

love,

meagen.

a free breakfast, a free dinner, "dick tacs," "tittaroni pasta," cards, phone calls, and 600 pages in a beverly cleary autobiography are the words that best sum up today. i was taken out to breakfast by two of my dearest guy friends (hayden and mike) and then escorted back to my house, to begin my daunting task of finishing my autobiography reading. only 20 pages in, and 580 left to go, i knew what most of my birthday was to be spent doing. admist the phone calls from friends, and checking the YC message board (yes, i'm an addict), i read constantly throughout the day. i didn't shower until 5 in the afternoon. -it's my birthday, i'll do what i want- i settled on a small italian place for dinner...to be taken out by my 3 roomates, my best friend, and one of my roomate's boyfriend. to be honest, it was one of the nicest dinner's i've had, and i'm so glad to share it with such good people. it was also the one night where ::the:: roomate and i set aside our differences, and agreed to get along. it was a pleasant evening.

the one person i was expecting a phone call from all day, ended up phoning me at 11:54 this evening...and when i answered "hello" responded only with "what time is it." when i replied 11:54, he then said "i just made it. happy birthday." i was elated. then he said there was someone else who wanted to wish me happy birthday, and LP got on the phone, wished me happy birthday, and promised me we'd celebrate when i returned home, on the boat that i have on the westlake lake. i can't wait.

all day, i've had that ::feeling:: in the pit of my stomach...the one that signifies new interest in someone...the one that makes you feel all jittery and giddy and silly all at once...the one that makes you think that you've been drinkin' too many jack and cokes all morning...i've missed this feeling...haven't had it in so long. i forgot what those little butterflies had felt like. thank ::you:: for making me so elated on my birthday. what a wonderful gift.

however, with all of this newfound birthday glee and such, i must retire to the confides of my essay writing. although i spent a peaceful afternoon engaging myself in the beautiful manipulation of words compliments of beverly cleary, i must attend to the ::small:: task of writing an 8 page single space psychological essay on her life...an essay that is due by 4 oclock tomorrow. i can write papers fast, but even this shall be a challenge. in addition, i have a nutrition final at 10am tomorrow morning that i must study for first.

so, my loving friends, i retire for the rest of the evening, to have my mind burrowed in the depths of knowledge...hopefully to return soon...and hopefully to acheive sleep. (ha!)

and i thank you for being the best people that i know. i love each and every one of you. thank you, and goodnight. <3

TO ALL OF THE PEOPLE THAT IM'D ME/CALLED ME/TEXT'D ME/WISHED ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY ON MY BIRTHDAY:

thank you, i love you all. <3

the messages i got...excluding erika and kayla...'cuz i talked to you this morning..and haley, because you sent me one last night:

angevasco: happy birthday!!!!

III311 is GodIII: happy birthday mo fp
III311 is GodIII: GOD you're old..

mikasully: HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Malibu1013: HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEAGS!!!!!!!!!!!!! love you!:-):-):-)

cooterworm: HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEAUTIFUL!!!! I HOPE YOU HAVE A GORGEOUS DAY AND I CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU SO WE CAN HANG OUT!! LOVE YOU- XOXO

WldNCzy01: happy old day kid... wishing you much happiness

THill652: HAPPY B-DAY MEAGEN!
THill652: yeah, i just said that.

Preki704: HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGS!!!!!!
Preki704: Ill call u later sweetie
Preki704: u better be going out and having fun

CpsuQuiKsilveR: happy birthday

Ekbsports: HAPPY BIRTHDAY MCSCHMEG!!!!!!!!!!

WhatAboutPhoenix: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!:-D

SailinIrie: meagen, you may be older than I, but let me tell you something. I am the...the uh...
SailinIrie: damn you

IIINoFXisgodIII: HAPPY BIRTHDAY
IIINoFXisgodIII: WOO!!!
IIINoFXisgodIII: WEE!!!
IIINoFXisgodIII: YAY!!!
IIINoFXisgodIII: hmm what other 3 letter exclamitory phrases can i use
IIINoFXisgodIII: COO!!!!
IIINoFXisgodIII: ::ya that works::
IIINoFXisgodIII: happy birthday for real tho
IIINoFXisgodIII: how old ru?
IIINoFXisgodIII: like 20?

Katdnce65: happy birthday by the way
Katdnce65: birthdays are over rated though

bWcMeRmAiD: hApPy BiRtHdAy 2 U!!!!!
bWcMeRmAiD: Ü hAvE a GoOd DaY!!!

*and special thanks to hayden and white mike for taking out to a wonderful breakfast...you guys are the best...*

**and more special thanks to mika, lisa, elise, tory, and scott for taking me out to a kickass dinner...**

***and even more special thanks to turk who text messaged me with a....well...interesting birthday message, and to KAT who called me at 11:59, and april who just rules because she called. i love you all.

I LOVE MY FAMILY TOO! THANKS YOU GUYS! CAN'T WAIT TO BE HOME!

i *so* rule the school....

i wanted you to take me away from this place
fuck you for saying you didn't have the time
i can't wait for your smile anymore
it's been too long since i've seen your face
((i'm never as good as when you're there...
and i can see myself the way you look at me))

don't tell me what i want to hear
fuck you for telling me lies to make me happy.

if you put it in writing, suddenly it *means* something more.

::propose to me in a letter, darling::

scattered randomness. stressed out heebie jeebies. wavering on a line between insanity and reason. do i know? can i see? ::it's beautiful::

i found the uppermost portion of this entry written on the back of an old camp roster from last summer...and i fancied it appropriate.

i've been crying a lot more lately.

i read a card given to me by my mom last year, and i need to post what she said. and i need to learn to live it. because i'm worried about myself. here's my mom. i love her so much.

::quote on the outside::
"it is no small thing to say not just what the world wants to hear, but what you truly believe. to do not just what the world thinks you should do but what you know you must, to be not just who the world wishes you to be but who you really are."
::mom on the inside::
meagen,
as you enter this next chapter of your life, believe in yourself. i believe in you! you will continue to be faced with choices, sometimes you will choose the right path and other times you won't. learn from your choices, what the best road for you is. always walk tall and proud towards the right destination. i know you are a smart, godly, moral, caring person. i know you are a beautiful friends, woman and daughter. i am so proud of who you are today and i look forward to watching you blosson into the other roles you will enter: wife, mother, college graduate (that should've been first). i love you! YOU are my inspiration. the world is open to you, use it, get involved. make a difference. remember to love yourself enough to be safe, to stand up for what you believe in and take care of your heart, mind and soul. remember to call me! remember your brothers and sisters and that if you don't forget them, they won't forget you. go to church. make great lasting friendships...make meaningless but fun ones too. fall in love. become passionate about something. challenge authority! don't just call your dad for money. change your sheets. thnk of us, loving you, alot. LAUGH!! cry when you're sad. remember to call me! stay warm. use your umbrella. be safe! learn a lot. go to class. have fun. BE HAPPY!!....blah blah blah blah blah. remember to call me. i love you.

-mommy.

i love you too mommy. more than you will ever know.

::alright, alright..i'll blog you....BUT JUST THIS ONCE!::

WldNCzy01: i know you want a piece
WldNCzy01: just admit
WldNCzy01: come clean
WldNCzy01: pretend i'm the preast
DeathByAltoids: hahahahah
WldNCzy01: i'll wash away those sins, and give you some protein to boot!
DeathByAltoids: wtf?!
WldNCzy01: blog me! that was good
DeathByAltoids: NO WAY. you can't beg for blog favors
WldNCzy01: whatever
WldNCzy01: do i need to go quote the blog
WldNCzy01: becasue i will
DeathByAltoids: hahahha
DeathByAltoids: don't bust that out
WldNCzy01: mikasully: blog it.
mikasully: blog it now.
DeathByAltoids: hahahaha
WldNCzy01: i can go get more
WldNCzy01: you forget
WldNCzy01: no one wants to mess with my memory
WldNCzy01: and i've read the whole blog
DeathByAltoids: hahaha
DeathByAltoids: wow
DeathByAltoids: dedicated
DeathByAltoids: hmmmm
DeathByAltoids: that might earn a space on the blog...
WldNCzy01: haha
WldNCzy01: its all good
WldNCzy01: i need no blog to define my self worth!
WldNCzy01: i'm a pimp without it
DeathByAltoids: pssh
DeathByAltoids: you're nothing without the powers of my blog
WldNCzy01: bah!
WldNCzy01: your blog needs me
WldNCzy01: you don't love me, you just love my bloggy style
DeathByAltoids: hahaha

unintentional emotions
unexpected surprises
((but aren't all surprises unexpected?))
unwilling to feel.
::apathy::
APATHY DAMNIT

you two have wasted your life
trying to make mine miserable
getting under my skin
laughing about *my* trauma

i feign kindness
to keep the house together
to mediate
((i'm always in the middle))
::it just takes some time, little girl::

you spite me
but i have the last laugh
how sad that your life is based on mine
that your only motivation is to ruin me
because you lost yourself so long ago.

i feel sorry for you
(hah)
i told you it would be like this
and my smile
will remian
so genuinely scripted

::take a bow::

::the luckiest::

i don't get many things right the first time
in fact i am told that a lot
now i know all the wrong turns
the stumbles and falls brought me here

where was i before the day
that i first saw your lovely face
now i see it every day
and i know that i am
i am
i am the luckiest

what if i been born
50 years before you
in a house on the street where you lived
maybe i'd be outside as you passed on your bike
would i know
in a wide sea of eyes
i see one pair that i recognize
and i know that i am
i am
i am the luckiest

::i love you more than i have ever found the way to say to you::

next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
and one day passed away in his sleep
and his wife she stayed for a couple of days and passed away
i'm sorry i know that's a strange way to tell you that i know we belong
that i know that i am
i am
i am the luckiest

-ben folds

this is my favorite song in the entire world. hands down. it makes me cry every time. god, i love it. the piano...is so beautiful.

get out of my life and stay out.

please and thank you.

end.