hmmm....haven't updated in 2 days....do i smell a long entry?
nah...i dunno. i should be going to bed pretty soon. bedtime always gets me thinking though. often times, the time i get into bed and the time i actually fall asleep happen within a couple hours of each other. so, why not blog instead? ::sigh:: i think i'm addicted to this thing. anyhoo....so i've been coming to a lot of realizations lately. ::screw you if you don't call:: i think it's the fact that i have to write a self introductory speech for my speech class. and it's been getting me thinking....well, do i really know myself well enough to convey...myself to other people? i mean really. think about it. how many people actually know themselves. in a way, i think a self introductory speech is a bit....contradicting. the teacher basically forces you to get up in front of a bunch of strangers, and within the confines of an assignment, convey your own personality. within boundaries, rules, restrictions. ::let's not talk about that right now..:: i can't curse [part of me]...i can't make sexual jokes [part of me]..i can't put on music and shake it in front of my class [much to my dismay]..none of that. but that's all me! that's all part of who i am!...::sigh:: i actually really don't know where i was going with this...::i wish i was more introspective than i try to be..::
oh yeah. my realizations. i've realized over the past couple days, that it doesn't take that much to make me feel truly happy. i also realized that it doesn't take much to make me sad, or angry. often times i flit in and out of different emotions within minutes, therefore...i guess i would be labeled "emotional" or "moody." but i think i'm generally happy. i've realized that i've placed way too much emphasis on things, and people, and experiences that won't matter more to me than a memory of the past. i've realized that i've been neglecting the people that really mater in my life, while treating the people that cause me so much grief, and anguish, torment and drama with the utmost respect. i want them to like me. i need them to. it's that NEED that makes me fear who i am when i am around them. that's not me. i don't "need." i've realized that i've had a lot of great things happen, and a lot of shitty ones. i've realized that the people that make me the most happy are my family. i've realized that i have so much life ahead of me. i've realized that i'm scared of screwing up. that sometimes it's ok to be sad. that i'm too hard on myself. that i obsess. that sometimes i neglect who i am just to fit in.
through all of this, i've learned a lot. i'm beginning to be more mature. to realize that i have a responsibility in life. that the time for me to screw up is over. that this isn't a dress rehearsal. this is life. you only get one chance. one. that's it. uno. every minute...part of our life. hell, you just spent about 5 minutes of your life reading my blog. that's five minutes you'll never get back. do you like how you spent them? ::hehe:: i have become a part of your life. and you a part of mine. and i thank you. for being there. for being a part of me. nice to meet you. this is me.
