you will always give me hope, and then let me down.

i've worked so hard.

please don't help me fall apart.

i'm not playing your games.

but i am here if you need a friend.

-friends-

we understand each other now.

((i think))

hold my hand and tell me we're gonna be alright.

i'm gonna make it through this someday.

i will.

the pine sol lady is my hero....seriously.

i'm really scared of library bathrooms.

they're just too quiet.

i like the way you do dat right thurrr.

the greatest wisdom comes in unexpected places.
((inspire me))
conspire against me
make me believe
-i can't stop it anymore-

work was pretty dead today. so the bartneder made me an apple martini and a mimosa. it was great. i stayed after work for a bit to chat it up with him, and suck those drinks down. free drinks when you are under 21 rocks. hehehe.

the house i -thought- i might be living in didn't work out! i'm so pissed at the girls i -thought- were going to be my roomates. stupid bitches. after setting up a time when i could come and meet them this weekend, they email me to tell me that they interviewed and found 2 people today. GREAT. because i couldn't come today 'cuz i had to work. thanks a bitch. dousches.

tomorrow kat and i are hanging out all day. and then we are going to visit my bartender friend and pril at work. hopefully, we will all hang out tomorrow. <3

this entry is lame, but i'm feeling non-creative. deal with it.

::bitter...party of one?::

TCMatriarch: Meagen do u work tomorrow?
DeathByAltoids: no.
TCMatriarch: ok wait
TCMatriarch: aghhhh Spencer has a 4:00 golf meeting today I NEED EVERYONE DOWN HERE TO DISCUSS THIS!
DeathByAltoids: ok.
DeathByAltoids: hold your horses. and calm yourself.
TCMatriarch: I don't have any horses I've spent all my money on children therefore I cannot aford ANYTHING or any PLEASURES for myself!

mommy is funny. <3

so i went to see the -LAME- mandy moore movie 'how to deal' [with wasting $7.50] last night. here are my comments and rants about the movie that does nothing but instill questionable values into impressionable young minds.

number one: anything and everything that could go wrong...went wrong. in the worst possible way. it was like "hi, my name is mandy moore and i'm addicted to the drama in my life" let me lead you through what happens. mandy [or...halle as she is called in the movie] has parents that have recently divorced. [drama item #1]. her sister then announces her engagement. [drama item #2] on almost the same day that her father announces he's eloping in a helicopter on an island [drama item #3]. then her friend scarlett's new boyfriend dies during a soccer game [drama item #4] right before she finds out she's pregnant with his child [drama item #5]. halle is getting interested in this guy maken [yeah, i have NO idea what the hell kind of name that is] and then they get into a car accident [drama item #6]. then halle's grandma falls down the stairs [drama item #7] and she's like always high on marijuana [questionable drama item #8]. all of this [and more] in just an hour and a half of pure hell.

number two: this movie did nothing but tell all the young teenyboppers in the audience with longer hair and better bodies than i have that true love -is- out there for them at the young age that they are. now, i'm sorry. but at age 16...i was the biggest nerd of the fucking world. and half of the audience was at least a quarter of that. around 11 or 12. at that age, movies like this one only make me feel stupid for not HAVING a boyfriend...or not experiencing love yet. it gives the message that everyone is going out and finding love, and LOOK best friends did it within weeks of each other. honestly. who is licenscing this kind of dissapointment to the youth of america? who is going to pay for the psychological damage when they develop eating disorders and inferiority complexes because they think that all of their peers are falling in love, and they aren't. this movie only made me feel like more of an outcast.

and i'm 20 years old. and i've never been in love. and i myself have sometimes felt inferiour when some of my friends were "falling in love" and i wasn't. where is the guy that is waiting for me? am i still willing to wait for him? he's taking his sweet time coming, that's for damn sure. and sometimes it's frustrating. and sometimes it's invigerating. knowing that one day, i'll meet that guy out there. who i'm willing to commit myself to. who is willing to commit himself to me. and all of the 'crushes' and 'immediate attractions' and 'heartbreaks' along the way will have prepared me for him. or is that just the fairytale hollywood has made love to be?

sometimes i think that the true definition of love, is finding that someone who wants to spend time with you, even when you come home wearing your labcoat and stealth model goggles with your hair all in dissaray. you sit down, and you are tired. so you watch a movie, and then look up dirty words in the dictionary and drink milk, and when you laugh, maybe a little will squirt out your nose. and when you grow tired, you will go to bed when you will fall asleep wrapped in each others arms and you will feel content. not happy, not sad, but just right. and you'll hear the music and feel each others harmonies and...and...emerge into the depths of calm emotionless sonatas. er.

at least that's what i think. <3

.and now for the update.

haven't updated in a while. been kinda tired lately. i think i have carpal tunnel syndrome from typing too much. that's pretty sad.

i've been thinking about the people that i know lately. how strange it is how my friends have changed over the years. how strange it is that my friends have changed from the school year to the summer. there are those that have remained steadfast througout the changes, and those that have come and gone.

and ::the:: group i hang out with. how is it that i've been trying so hard to dissasociate myself with them, by only hanging out with them more. what is it that they have that make me feel like i'm missing something if i don't go to every event. how is it that they have so much control over what i say and do, by only exercising apathy? why can't i get away?

i feel almost out of control of my life sometimes. which is weird, because i haven't been doing anything that would limit my control. i haven't drank at all since i've been home. i don't do drugs. so why do i feel so helpless?

maybe it's because i often don't know what to do with myself. i rely so much on other people to do things for me. ::choose the restaurant, where we are going, what we are doing:: why can't i have control? ::stop second guessing yourself:: i always do that. i feel like whatever i say or want to do isn't good enough for other people. growing up around music and bands my whole life, i've really wanted to be in a band, and i know that's something i want to do. but i never think i'm good enough. or i have some way of limiting myself.

but i do know, that deep down i am good enough. i really am. and honestly, i know i can do just about anything.

i know that i need to focus more on the people that actually do care. and not care so much about...i don't exactly know what that ::thing:: is that i care so deeply about. but that need not take precedence in my life. i can do whatever i want to. is it possible that i need be more selfish? haha. i like this change.

that's another thing. i need a lifestyle change. not as much online time. more time with real people. ((from now on i'm only interested in what's real)) i have so many things i need to do. and i keep putting them off. not today. today i'm going to accomplish. i NEED to change. it's imperative. i miss my freedom.

::life update::

last night i went and saw 28 days later, which pretty much freaked me out. today i went to santa barbara with my mom and one of my sisters and we shopped. i didn't find anything worth buying, which kinda bummed me out 'cuz i need new clothes. but the extra family time was worthwhile.

the postal service kicks. i listened to them today for the first time in a long time. they brought back so many memories of the past, and those times of what i thought could be. interesting how music can evoke such strong emotions.

in the meantime, i'll just throw on some of the faint, and boogie down.

will add more later. this shall suffice as a lame update for now. i just needed -something- to fill the void while my creative energy is refilling itself.

::molly...is awesome...::

Tululah94: don't respond, because i'm saying this, and then i'm leaving
Tululah94: day glow bubble gum porkchop.
Tululah94: midnight monkey drives a meatloaf motorhome
Tululah94: don't say a goddamn thing
Tululah94: just let it marinate
DeathByAltoids: i can't wait any longer....i've got to say SOMETHING
DeathByAltoids: -penis-
DeathByAltoids: that is all.
Tululah94: hello, what did i say?!
DeathByAltoids: hahahaha
DeathByAltoids: i can't follow directions
Tululah94: you know, if this were a hostage situation, you would be dead
Tululah94: jesus
DeathByAltoids: hahahaha
DeathByAltoids: molly. shut the hell up. i'll hostage your ass
Tululah94: k, really, though,i have to leave, this is why i said no talking
Tululah94: my ass is already hostaged....by whom i'm not so sure. all i know is that i dont' have control over it.
Tululah94: end o story
Tululah94: bye

i wanted a death cab for cutie shirt...[aside from the one i already have...] and this is what their website told me.

they have a ONE SIZE FITS ALL girls t-shirt.

what the HELL does that mean?

i am not one size fits all. i'm like...one size fits the skinny girl, one size fits my left boob, so you better make other sizes.

bree's widsom on this:

DiamondsInUrFire: translation: we are too cheap to buy more than one size.

i think the most insulting thing though is the "one size fits most"...it's like...wow, if i don't fit into this size i must be REALLY obese, anorexic, [insert something else incredibly wrong with me here]

whatever. i just want my damn shirt. and for it to fit. is that too much to ask?!

spread your love and fly [fly]
spread your love and fly

there is your daily dose of sugar ray.

take it...and do what you will.

what did i ever see in you.
the mere thought that i ever held onto your memory for so long repulses me.
i can't even bring myself to write your name.
but even now, you still remain my inspiration.

been working a lot. not much else has happened.

i'm lacking in creative energy.

i feel lonely sometimes.

i'm becoming a hermit.

i put my life savings into buying my car last year, and now it's broken.

i like to whine and complain.

i miss some people that were an integral part of my life. i feel void now that they aren't here.

i got home tonight after being out and i had ::this:: IM waiting for me.

irishgrlie18f63: I got married too young.... I am looking to experience new men.. to see my pics click here *contact me, if you are interested in something fun*

so irishgrlie18f63...is that a keg in your pants, 'cuz i'd like to TAP THAT ASS! ::puke::

who freaking SENDS these IMs?! and on a similar note, no i don't want to receive any emails for PENIS ENLARGEMENTS THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

::i can feel you breathing::

::ode to the ex::

you left me today
-on the long journey to the middle-
will i see you again?
(do i want to?)
yes.
i do.
-STOP-
rewind.
back to when you got your middle school jollies off
and innocence flowed from my veins.
to when i sang happy birthday with my mouth full of your empty promises.
i remember the good times well
and the bad times better.
the heartbreak.
the longing.
the desire to prove i didn't need you
because you never told me you wanted me.
"i would date you"
you did.
((without all that awkward dinner bullshit))
what we had was....(real?)
-interesting-
i'll miss it.
((i miss you))
it's funny because there was never an ending.
you were my first...(dare i say it?)
NO.
crush. immediate attraction. "like."
i never allowed myself to fall in love
(not with you)
i love you.
i will always.
but i'll never ::be:: there.
i know it's time to say goodbye.
but i choke as i speak.
i'll force a wave.
((thank you for everything))
i wish you well.
you dazzled me.
with a difficult balance of apathy and love
i shed tears.
i miss...

goodbye.